Thinking about making a shivah call?  Don't feel awkward; it's a mitzvah!

 You've checked your e-mail and you've read that a Torat Yisrael family is sitting shivah after the death of a loved one.  The e-mail asks all TY members to support our mourners by making a shivah call, participating in a minyan or helping to supply meals for the mourners . . . 

If you've never been involved in any aspect of a shivah, all of this might sound daunting.  It's hard to act when you're not sure what is appropriate, not sure how to participate.  It's also not easy to walk into a home in which mourners are sitting, still processing their loss. What should we say?  What should we expect?

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Be assured:  your simple presence is a comfort, your intention to be
​a supportive member of the community is all you need.

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Making a shivah call...

Shivah (from the Hebrew word for "seven") is the week of mourning following the loss of a loved one.  During shivah, the family of mourners stay at home and are cared for by friends and community.  

What to expect / What to do:

1.  Don't knock, just walk right in.
Friends and the community are meant to come and sit with the mourners, giving them an opportunity to speak about the person they have lost, just sitting back and letting the conversation of others comfort them.  Therefore, the door to a shivah house is open, and you should just walk right in.

2.  Making your presence known.
If you do not know the mourners, come in quietly and wait until the mourners are finished speaking to the person sitting with them at the moment.  All you need to say is:  "My name is ____, I am a member of Torat Yisrael.  I am sorry for your loss and am glad I could be with you today."  If there are not many people with the mourners, sit down and ask to see a picture of the person who has died, or ask if the mourners can tell you about the person who has died.  If there are several other people present, sit to the side, listen to the conversation and join in if you feel comfortable.

3.  How and when to leave.
A shivah call does not need to be long.  Even 10 or 15 minutes is meaningful and comforting to mourners.  If the mourners will be alone if you leave, you might consider staying another little while to see if other visitors come so that you don't leave the mourners alone.  But if you need to leave, you certainly may, with no awkwardness.  Of course, if there are many people visiting when you are there, you can leave confident in the knowledge that our mourners are well taken care of.  You may approach the mourners again and greet them with a traditional blessing of departure:  "May you and your family find comfort from God and our community at this sad time."  As a fellow TY member, you might even say, "I look forward to seeing you at Torat Yisrael during a happier time."

Participating in minyan...

Mourners remain home, wrapped in the encompassing cocoon of the care of community and friends.  Mourners also need to recite "Kaddish," the declaration of faith in God at the most challenging of times.  Hence the community comes to the mourners instead of the mourners coming to the community and we form a prayer quorum (minyan) of ten Jewish adults so our mourners may stand and recite "Kaddish."

What to expect / What to do:

1.  Don't knock, just walk right in.
Friends and the community are meant to come and sit with the mourners and help form a minyan at the mourners' home. Therefore, the door to a shivah house is open, and you should just walk right in.

2. Making your presence known.
If you do not know the mourners, come in and, if they are not occupied with other visitors, introduce yourself as a member of Torat Yisrael (see the suggestion to the left).  Then find a place to sit or stand for the service, find a prayer book and a kippah and follow along as best you can.

3. The service.
If the minyan is held during daylight, the service will be "Minchah" the afternoon service.  This is a short service (about fifteen minutes) consisting of a psalm and the "Amidah" a progression of short blessings recited standing.  Click here to read more about the "Amidah."

If the minyan is held after dark, the service will be "Ma'ariv" the evening service.  This service includes the same "Amidah" from Minchah, but also includes the Sh'ma with the blessings preceding and following the Sh'ma.  Ma'ariv might run about 20 minutes.  Click here to read about the Sh'ma.

4. How and when to leave.
Feel free to leave after the minyan is concluded . . . you have made it possible for the mourners to recite the Kaddish at home, which is a very loving act of community.  You may approach the mourners again and greet them with a traditional blessing of departure:  "May you and your family find comfort from God and our community at this sad time."  As a fellow TY member, you might even say, "I look forward to seeing you at Torat Yisrael during a happier time."

Meals for Mourners...

During the week of shivah, friends and community are meant to take care of the common logistics of life for the mourners, like providing meals and tidying up afterwards.  It is a point of pride that our Torat Yisrael community takes this mitzvah to heart.

What to expect / What to do:

1. The request for help.
Elaine Shapiro, a member of Torat Yisrael, volunteers to coordinate meals for our mourners.  If you are interested in helping provide a meal for our mourners, it is best to consult with Elaine.  This way we will avoid a situation in which our mourners may receive no meal one day and three meals the next.  Click here to e-mail Elaine.

2. Kosher or not . . . 
Elaine will know if the family of mourners observe the kosher dietary laws or not.  Even if you do not keep kosher, that does not mean you can't participate in helping to provide food for the mourners.  You may either come with friends and cook in the TY kitchen, or contribute funds to purchase a meal from a kosher caterer.

3.  Delivering is a mitzvah, too!
It may very well be that those who are cooking the food for the mourners may not be available to deliver the food to the home.  You may offer your services to Elaine to bring the food to the shivah home for the mourners.  Elaine will be able to tell you where and when to deliver the meal.